Being Apart

Finally, I made a decision because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. I think I suffered and sacrificed myself enough. I really loved this guy, and I appreciate most of what he has done to me. The relationship with him taught me how wonderful to love someone. I miss sweet, sensitive, goofy, cute parts of him ...

Different Person

He looked like a totally different person with hollowed cheeks and dark rings under his eyes. Only a day after I saw him last time, he changed a lot. It's obvious that he is not eating or sleeping well. He's not healthy, and he needs help. But he didn't acknowledge that though he had done once when we talked about his problem yesterday morning. Did he change his mind? Doesn't he realize he changed his mind? Doesn't he think he's confusing me? Then what can I do? I can't do anything. I'm not sure if I can be with him any longer.

I can't stand to see him collapsing (I wish my impression which I sensed from his current condition is wrong) because I know he used to be (and I hope he still is) such a sweet, lovely person.

I'm exhausted of worrying about him. My heart is devastated.

Tons of Snow!

Emotional Abuse

I feel like I'm abused emotionally. I want to support this guy who is now suffering from his problems, but what he's done to me is ruined my heart. I have tried to stop worrying and thinking of him, but I can't. I'm exhausted ...

Disqualified Japanese Part II

Required: Read yesterday's blog first.

Today, in class, I confessed that I didn't know the reason why kabuki doesn't have actresses. The American guy in class, who has strong interests in Manyo-gana (what's that?!), explained everything. The guy went like, "Yeah, as this book says, kabuki went really erotic. It was actually prostituting on stage. The audience, mainly men, fought each other over actresses, you know. So, the government banned actresses in kabuki. Then, young, beautiful young boys came to play onnagata. This is called wakashu-kabuki. But again, the same problem came up: the audience began to fight each other over the boys, because in the Edo period, homosexuality was openly practiced. Finally, old, ugly men took over onnagata, and no one fight over them anymore. This is called yaro-kabuki, by the way."

What a guy! Incidentally, he's from the north of San Francisco, and he's never been to Japan. When I told him that he knows Japan and Japanese stuff very well and speaks very good Japanese, he said, "Yeah, I have Yamato-damashii here," pounding his chest. Geez, I felt like I have lost Yamato-damashii from my heart (well, I wonder if I ever had that). I'm not qualified to be a Japanese :(

Disqualified Japanese Part I

Ouch, I didn't know that. I didn't know why there's no actress in kabuki. I'd never doubted why until I read this book (A Short History of Asia by Colin Mason). Well, as the title of the book shows, it's really a concise description of Asian history, and therefore, reference to kabuki is also short. Actually, it's just a sentence. But the one sentence explained why.

Because its productions were so often ribald and erotic the (Tokugawa) bakufu forbade the employment of actresses in kabuki, so female roles had to be taken by men. (Mason, 2005:102)

Damn it, I'm not qualified to be a Japanese :(

Inconspicuous Candidate

As soon as I came home from the library (well, going to the library is my routine anyway) for super, someone knocked my door. I opened the door. Well, I'm living here in the hippie town, not in a big city like Tokyo, so that I usually open the door without thinking of being attacked. There's neither a peeping hole on my door nor a intercom in my apartment, by the way.

So, I opened the door and found a friendly-looking woman in casual clothes standing. She began to talk about a Republican candidate who I didn't know. I told her that I'm not a U.S. citizen (therefore, I don't have a right to vote) because I didn't waste my time (I was hungry, that's why I came home!), and she left, leaving a campaign flier and a candidate's name card.

After finishing supper, I wondered how hard for Republican candidates to do campaign in liberal states like here. What is worse, he is not known at all mainly because the media are ignoring unknown candidates completely. Well, it can be considered other kind of media influence.

Needless to say, I went back to the library after pondering :(