Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Being Apart

Finally, I made a decision because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. I think I suffered and sacrificed myself enough. I really loved this guy, and I appreciate most of what he has done to me. The relationship with him taught me how wonderful to love someone. I miss sweet, sensitive, goofy, cute parts of him ...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Different Person

He looked like a totally different person with hollowed cheeks and dark rings under his eyes. Only a day after I saw him last time, he changed a lot. It's obvious that he is not eating or sleeping well. He's not healthy, and he needs help. But he didn't acknowledge that though he had done once when we talked about his problem yesterday morning. Did he change his mind? Doesn't he realize he changed his mind? Doesn't he think he's confusing me? Then what can I do? I can't do anything. I'm not sure if I can be with him any longer.

I can't stand to see him collapsing (I wish my impression which I sensed from his current condition is wrong) because I know he used to be (and I hope he still is) such a sweet, lovely person.

I'm exhausted of worrying about him. My heart is devastated.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Tons of Snow!



Emotional Abuse

I feel like I'm abused emotionally. I want to support this guy who is now suffering from his problems, but what he's done to me is ruined my heart. I have tried to stop worrying and thinking of him, but I can't. I'm exhausted ...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Disqualified Japanese Part II

Required: Read yesterday's blog first.

Today, in class, I confessed that I didn't know the reason why kabuki doesn't have actresses. The American guy in class, who has strong interests in Manyo-gana (what's that?!), explained everything. The guy went like, "Yeah, as this book says, kabuki went really erotic. It was actually prostituting on stage. The audience, mainly men, fought each other over actresses, you know. So, the government banned actresses in kabuki. Then, young, beautiful young boys came to play onnagata. This is called wakashu-kabuki. But again, the same problem came up: the audience began to fight each other over the boys, because in the Edo period, homosexuality was openly practiced. Finally, old, ugly men took over onnagata, and no one fight over them anymore. This is called yaro-kabuki, by the way."

What a guy! Incidentally, he's from the north of San Francisco, and he's never been to Japan. When I told him that he knows Japan and Japanese stuff very well and speaks very good Japanese, he said, "Yeah, I have Yamato-damashii here," pounding his chest. Geez, I felt like I have lost Yamato-damashii from my heart (well, I wonder if I ever had that). I'm not qualified to be a Japanese :(

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Disqualified Japanese Part I


Ouch, I didn't know that. I didn't know why there's no actress in kabuki. I'd never doubted why until I read this book (A Short History of Asia by Colin Mason). Well, as the title of the book shows, it's really a concise description of Asian history, and therefore, reference to kabuki is also short. Actually, it's just a sentence. But the one sentence explained why.

Because its productions were so often ribald and erotic the (Tokugawa) bakufu forbade the employment of actresses in kabuki, so female roles had to be taken by men. (Mason, 2005:102)


Damn it, I'm not qualified to be a Japanese :(

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Inconspicuous Candidate


As soon as I came home from the library (well, going to the library is my routine anyway) for super, someone knocked my door. I opened the door. Well, I'm living here in the hippie town, not in a big city like Tokyo, so that I usually open the door without thinking of being attacked. There's neither a peeping hole on my door nor a intercom in my apartment, by the way.

So, I opened the door and found a friendly-looking woman in casual clothes standing. She began to talk about a Republican candidate who I didn't know. I told her that I'm not a U.S. citizen (therefore, I don't have a right to vote) because I didn't waste my time (I was hungry, that's why I came home!), and she left, leaving a campaign flier and a candidate's name card.

After finishing supper, I wondered how hard for Republican candidates to do campaign in liberal states like here. What is worse, he is not known at all mainly because the media are ignoring unknown candidates completely. Well, it can be considered other kind of media influence.

Needless to say, I went back to the library after pondering :(

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Funeral House-Turned-Theater


I terribly needed entertainment! So, I forced DG to see "The Savages" with me. In fact, he wanted to do something else such as going to a cultural event and seeing other movie which interests him more. Anyhow, I know he is a good boy to come with me :)

The movie was on this weekend at Bijou. It was the first time for me to go there. The theater has a little creepy atmosphere, partly or mainly because it used to be a funeral house. But the structure of the building is interesting. To get to the bathroom, for example, you go out to the patio and walk on the curving hallway with low ceiling along the patio, passing a couple of small doors. People who are working in the theater are also unique, or in other words, punk. Actually, two girls wore Gothic and nose piercings. Oh, I didn't check if they had tattoos.

I couldn't miss "The Savages" because Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of my favorite actors, is in. Simply put, it was great. It's about adult siblings who have a dementia father. The siblings are not close to each other or to their father at all. The father was a child-abusing kind, that's why. Both of the siblings have their own problems, which you would feel sympathy for. Human relationships are never easy ... At any rate, it is a sad, thought-provoking, sympathetic movie worth to see.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Willy Wonka

YO commented on my bangs. She said I look like Willy Wonka (in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory") due to my too short bangs. I like her imagination!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Too Short


When did I update last time? Geez, a week past already. Oh, well, that was a struggling week, mainly mentally. But I'm not going to look back here because I'm recovering, retrieving myself from the dark side.

By the way, my bangs were bothering me a lot, so I cut them short. After cutting them, I realized that they became too short. Now, I look like my cousin's kindergarten daughter :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Cute Student

There is one Japanese student in the class which I'm doing TA this term. I noticed her on the student list.

After class today, she approached me and introduced herself to me. And she told me a sweet thing like, "I registered this class because I saw your name in syllabus. I was very anxious because this is not my field, but if I have a Japanese TA, I thought it would be OK. Will you support me?"

I thought what she told me was cute and made me feel useful to someone. It was really nice to hear especially because I usually feel I'm useless here :(

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Round Two

My battle with the business office went to Round Two. But finally, my problem seems to be solved, I guess, I believe. The process went like this ...

I went to a different office twice in the morning and in the afternoon. When I went there in the morning, the system was down, and a guy in the office couldn't access to my account. The guy asked me to come back after lunch. Geez, how many times do I have to do this kind of back and forth?

Anyhow, when I came back in the afternoon, the guy in the office had already emailed a couple of people in the business office to fix my problem. He gave me a print-out of his email and asked me to go to the business office to see one of them in person. So, I went there (how many times did I go there?!). Because I didn't know who they were, I asked the lady at the Payroll counter to who I had explained about my problem several times, and she told me one of them were just sitting in Student Billing. Geez, the Student Billing counter is next door of Payroll. In order to reach him, did I go back and forth, up and down???

I pushed myself a few steps to Student Billing, showed the print-out and explained my situation to him, and he went back to his PC, came back in a minute and said it's all set. It took only a minute to fix my problem, but I spent two full days!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Winter Term

After a month-long break, finally, the winter term started. My stomach was upset. But the better thing is people who I see this term are not unfamiliar to me. Well, in my TA class, almost all students are new to me, but at least I know the instructor. And in other graduate classes, I know everyone regardless of students and professors. That's good. That causes less stress to me. You know, I'm kind of a shy person who are not good at meeting new people.

Anyhow, the term started. All I have to do is get over it.

Curse of the Business Office

I'm apparently cursed with the business office.

I tried to drop a PE class online because I made it non-credit and therefore I don't need to register that class anymore. And I found that the website blocked me to access to registration. It seems because of my financial matter. Damn, I thought it was fixed at the end of last term.

I asked everyone who would solve this problem, and according to their suggestion, I went to see someone in the business office. The "someone" was not in the office today. What?! Today is the first day of the term. It might be the busiest day in the term, I guess, and how could staff take a day-off?

Someone else in the office recommended me to go to the registerer to discuss this issue. So, I did. After someone in the registerer checked my account and asked me to go to the business office to fix this problem. Fxxx. I hate this kind of bureaucratic work!

Another Obnoxious Thing of the Day

Damn it! I received an invoice from my mobile carrier for last month, and I was astounded by the amount of fee. It's 123.06 BUCKS, not YEN! I rubbed my eyes million times, not believing what I was seeing, and my eyes are red now. Kidding. Apart from joking, seriously, that's ridiculous amount of money for talking on the phone!

When I saw a cellphone advertising banner, saying like, "2,000 free minutes for $40," I thought who would speak on the phone for 2,000 minutes a month by paying $40, but now I know I was wrong. I understand from my experience that 2,000 free minutes for $40 is really cheap. Incidentally, my mobile carrier charges me $123.06 for speaking for 657 minutes.

One of problems of American cellphone system is mobile carriers charge users not only with outgoing calls but also incoming calls. That's nonsense!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

American Size


I went shopping. It's really rare for me to go shopping except grocery shopping. Shopping makes me exhausted, and that's why I don't like shopping. Anyhow, I needed to buy a pair of shoes which would substitute my favorite Puma. My Puma died because I dried them too close to the heather. Yes, the heater always causes trouble. It killed my balance ball, and this time, my Puma ...

I took a bus to got to a shopping mall (because I don't have a car here, and it is truly inconvenient here!) ... and I didn't buy shoes, simply because I couldn't come across a suitable pair. Instead, I bought a pair of underwear.

When I came home, I opened the package and found ... they were too big even though they are M size! Well, I totally forgot that I'm living in the States where everything is big. Incidentally, I'm M size in Japan.

Because I can't wear them, I returned them. Instead, I got another pair of underwear in S size. Now, after taking a shower, I tried it on and found it's still big. Geez, I'm so amazed at American size :(

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Strayed Microwave Found the Way


DF's microwave, which was lost during the transit in Los Angeles, finally came home! I cleaned it up, and tried to see if it works with my tea. It worked perfectly! It will warm up my graduate student food from now on.

Snow


It started snowing in the evening. The town is now covered white, and it's pretty. This might be the first snow that I have seen here in hippie town. The snow was so wet that my umbrella became heavy, walking around in snow for a while. This is a nice scenery for me to see just before the term starts. Whiteness of snow made me feel light.

Title: Sitting by a Pond


Duck's brother in Japan sent me a nostalgic photo. He is back in our parents' place for a winter break, and apparently went to Nara which is his favorite place to shoot photos.

Anyhow, receiving a package full of Japanese food from YO, cooking and eating Japanese food (actually, tonight we had okonomiyaki and yaki-udon party by inviting DG's former landlady), seeing this photo ... surprisingly or not, I'm missing Japan (or at least the atmosphere of Japan). I should get rid of nostalgia because another term is starting in a couple of days. Sigh.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Oshogatsu Set


Hooray! YO sent me a box of Oshogatsu stuff! See this little Kagamimochi. And she sent me a lot of stuff (related to Oshogatsu) as usual. Oh man, she's too sweet to be true. Thanks, YO, for your thoughtfulness all the time!

I came back to my apartment from the airport around 1:00 in the morning. And it was a joyful surprise at finding the boxes which YO sent me in my mailbox. Now it's almost 2:00, but I can't stop smiling, looking at these stuff and thinking of how to eat them :)

Mochi Party


So, what did I do first thing in the morning today is to cook red beans (of course, this is one of Oshogatsu presents from YO) to make zenzai, my favorite Japanese sweet! Ohhhh, I didn't notice how much I'd missed zenzai until today.

While cooking red beans (it takes about two hours), I boiled soba noodles (other Oshogatsu presents from YO) and ate them. After eating greasy and oversweet American food (they are tasty though) for about a month, sugar-free, oil-free soba noodles with wasabi mustard and seaweed soothed my stomach very well. They tasted so good.

In time, DG came back here from his hometown. So, we had a little mochi party with zenzai and dengaku (sweet miso paste) mochi. Oh, mochi (other Oshogatsu presents from YO, again) also tasted so good.

YO brought me a great Oshogatsu here. Thanks a bunch, YO, again and all the time!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Smuggling A Microwave

DF and I, a.k.a. Team Oldest Children, are willing to face challenges!

When DF came to an idea to give away her old microwave to me and check it as a piece of baggage, MF and their children tried to stop her, saying like, "Mom, that's crazy!" But nothing can stop her. I know that.

So, despite opposition from her family, DF finished wrapping it up effectively in the very last minutes before we left for the airport. Yes, she's a superwoman.

Again despite her family's anticipation, the microwave was accepted as a piece of baggage. Yay, she made it! Thanks DF for your brave trial.

Going Home

Saying good-bye is always sad. I will miss the family atmosphere of DF's family. To be honest, I really like it, though sadly, boys barely speak to me anymore (teenagers!). I will miss HF's coffee. She's my personal barista.

Because I've been relaxed and spoiled by DF, I'm scared of going back to reality now :(

In the meantime, I thank DF and her family a bunch for their hospitality and everything. I hope all of them stay healthy.

Positive Aspect of Local Airlines

I like Horizon Air. Simply, because they serve free alcohol (wine and beer)! As you know, domestic flights do not provide alcohol drinks for free. American airlines are, in general, very tightfisted.

Anyhow, alcohol beverages Horizon Air serves during the flight are complimentaries from local (Northwestern) breweries. I usually don't pay attention to in-flight announcement, but my ears caught the word "complimentaries" in the announcement. I confess that I'm sensitive free things. You know, I'm a poor student now! No one can blame me.

When a flight attendant came down the aisle to serve drinks, I made sure by asking alcohol drinks are really, truly for free (I don't want to pay $5 for a little can of beer). She said, "Yes," with a big smile. Then, I made a bigger smile and asked a complimentary beer.

Tonight's complimentary beer was Full Sail which is brewed in Oregon. It was dark kind and perfectly my taste. I'm not saying that the beer was good because it was free of charge (sounds like I'm excusing myself?), but as a whole, I think Oregon beer is very good.

Negative Aspect of Large Airport

Geez, one of my baggage (which is actually DF's microwave) is lost!

When I was waiting for my baggage at the baggage claim, an airport officer approached me and declared, "There's no more baggage." Hey, I haven't collected another baggage! But she simply sent me to the check-in counter.

A person at the counter told me that my stuff may be lost during the transit in Los Angeles. So, she arranged that the airlines deliver home as soon as they find it. It is frustrating that my stuff is lost somewhere, but at the same time, it's a good happening in this case because I don't have to carry it myself and instead the airlines will take care of it. That saves my labor!